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Mourning an adoptive or step parent


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#1 TimeRebbe

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Posted 19 August 2012 - 10:30 AM

This issue came up, as a prominent member of my parents shul just lost his step father, and is sitting shiva for him. Can or should a person observe the halachos of mourning for a step-parent?

http://www.lookstein...ng_adoptive.htm says that one should, the only exception being that a step child cannot be considered an onen, and should therefore put on tefillin in private; but one should sit shiva and say kaddish, and if possible voluntarily observe the halachos of mourning for the year.
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#2 Happyduck1979

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Posted 19 August 2012 - 11:44 AM

This issue came up, as a prominent member of my parents shul just lost his step father, and is sitting shiva for him. Can or should a person observe the halachos of mourning for a step-parent?

http://www.lookstein...ng_adoptive.htm says that one should, the only exception being that a step child cannot be considered an onen, and should therefore put on tefillin in private; but one should sit shiva and say kaddish, and if possible voluntarily observe the halachos of mourning for the year.


That is the answer I was given (minus the tefillin) and am currently 9 months through my year for my step father. I was told that as I took it on as a chumra I have room to be lenient when I need to be.
"Don't listen to people who try to defend what God has done to you. God is a big boy. He can take care of himself. You take care of you"-unknown comforting visitor after we lost Gabbi

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#3 TimeRebbe

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Posted 20 August 2012 - 08:06 AM

That is the answer I was given (minus the tefillin) and am currently 9 months through my year for my step father. I was told that as I took it on as a chumra I have room to be lenient when I need to be.

so you would be allowed to go to weddings and such, but shouldnt go to concerts?
Indigo: Odd, isn't it? Something everyone knows to be fact aint in Shulchan Aruch. Sounds to me like Picking was invited in for a threesome and Choosing is videotaping.

dqowitz: "There's no boob touching. Mine were totally wasted."

Indigo: Time do hachnasas orchim with Picking and Choosing!

Snag: Who is supplying the third mammary? Or is your real name Eccentrica Gallumbits?

#4 Indigo

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Posted 20 August 2012 - 08:21 AM

so you would be allowed to go to weddings and such, but shouldnt go to concerts?

maybe the other way around

#5 Happyduck1979

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Posted 20 August 2012 - 11:50 AM

so you would be allowed to go to weddings and such, but shouldnt go to concerts?


I had a wedding last week. Friends, not family. I spoke to our Rabbi and he said to go to chuppah was not a problem, but I should not go to the reception. He did say though that should I choose to there was room to be very meikle, go and stay until after dinner, but to step out for dancing. I chose not to as it did not feel right to me. I would not go to a concert. I will go to places where there might be background music for atmosphere, but not to something where music is the main source of entertainment.
"Don't listen to people who try to defend what God has done to you. God is a big boy. He can take care of himself. You take care of you"-unknown comforting visitor after we lost Gabbi

Empty Cradle, Empty Heart My thoughts, rants against God, and prayers after have a still birth of a very wanted little girl in February of 2011.
Why I choose to put private information in a public location

Our Aliya Blog Lots of pictures.
Yes, still another blog. This one is about quick kosher cooking and is more like my personal recipe box
Coming soon. A blog to keep track of my other blogs.

New Site. New Stuff. New Sales. Swirsky Designs

#6 Dan

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Posted 20 August 2012 - 01:39 PM

http://www.daat.ac.i...hem/kibud-2.htm

#7 Happyduck1979

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Posted 20 August 2012 - 04:58 PM

Basically my logic was that I know when the time comes I will HAVE to sit for my biological father who is a part of my life now, but was far from ever being a father figure when I was young, then TO ME respect dictated that I SHOULD sit for the man who was the father in my life from the time I was a small child. When I spoke it over with my Rabbi in the days immediately preceding my step father's death he understood. Our Rabbi has a real way of understanding the emotional need as well as the halachik and finding as good a balance as he can. The only thing he said was that I might want to check that, as my biological father is a part of my life, I would not be hurting him in such a way as it might be problematic halachically. I spoke to my biological father, and not only did he understand where I was coming from, but he knew how tight money was at the time and paid for 2/3 of my ticket to come in on a rush ticket that night so I would make the funeral.

I am BH lucky to have had two father's who love me and try to help, but only one of the two was there when I was rushed to hospital in the middle of the night, paid my tuition, drove me to piano lessons, picked up from bar mitzvah's, sent my daughter to camp, snuggled with me on Sunday mornings, let me sit on his lap at shul, gave me a set of grandparents who loved me unconditionally, yelled at me when I was stupid, made me clean my room, and everything else a father does. He is the one who *I* feel the need to hold the aveilut with my brother and sister from that marriage.

When the time come, for my father I will hold alone as most of his other kids are not Jewish and the one who is will not know how. I will have to pay someone to say kaddish.
"Don't listen to people who try to defend what God has done to you. God is a big boy. He can take care of himself. You take care of you"-unknown comforting visitor after we lost Gabbi

Empty Cradle, Empty Heart My thoughts, rants against God, and prayers after have a still birth of a very wanted little girl in February of 2011.
Why I choose to put private information in a public location

Our Aliya Blog Lots of pictures.
Yes, still another blog. This one is about quick kosher cooking and is more like my personal recipe box
Coming soon. A blog to keep track of my other blogs.

New Site. New Stuff. New Sales. Swirsky Designs




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